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In the early years of motherhood, you quickly learn that babies and children don’t just respond to your words. They respond to your presence, your tone, and your energy. They mirror your emotions, your stress levels, and even your breathing patterns. This is not just a mother’s intuition. It is neuroscience. It is something called co-regulation , and it is one of the most powerful tools in your parenting toolkit. In this article, we explore what co-regulation is, why it matters so much for your child’s emotional development, and how you can support your child with it in everyday life. Whether you are rocking a newborn, navigating toddler tantrums or supporting a sensitive seven-year-old, co-regulation is something that can transform the way you parent. What Is Co-Regulation? Co-regulation is the process by which a parent or caregiver helps a child manage their emotions and nervous system. It is the foundation of emotional development and a vital part of how children learn to feel safe, soothed and secure in the world. From the moment they are born, babies rely on the nervous systems of their caregivers to help them settle. They cannot calm themselves down when they are tired, overstimulated or hungry. They need a calm adult to hold, feed, rock or simply stay close to them in moments of stress. As children grow, they start developing the ability to regulate their emotions, but that development takes time. Even older children still need emotional support from their parents when things feel too much. Co-regulation is the bridge between a child's overwhelming feelings and their eventual ability to self-regulate. The Science Behind Co-Regulation Co-regulation is deeply rooted in nervous system science. A child’s nervous system is constantly interpreting signals from their environment. These signals help the body decide whether it feels safe or under threat. Children are biologically wired to take their emotional cues from the people closest to them. This is due in part to the mirror neuron system, a network in the brain that allows us to empathise with and reflect the emotions of others. A calm, steady adult can literally help calm a child’s nervous system through presence alone. On the flip side, if a parent is shouting, anxious or overwhelmed, a child often absorbs that energy. Their body doesn’t yet have the tools to separate their own feelings from the environment around them. That’s why staying regulated ourselves is not just about self-care. It is one of the most important gifts we can offer our children. Why Co-Regulation Matters Co-regulation is not about controlling your child’s behaviour. It is about helping them feel safe in their body, especially when emotions are running high. Over time, this builds their ability to regulate themselves. Here are some of the lasting benefits of co-regulation: 1. A sense of safety Children learn that they are not alone when they are upset. They begin to trust that someone will help them find calm again. 2. Stronger emotional intelligence When you name and hold space for your child’s feelings, they begin to understand those feelings for themselves. 3. Healthier stress responses Children who are regularly co-regulated tend to recover more quickly from emotional stress. Their nervous system learns that big feelings are safe to feel and safe to process. 4. A secure attachment Being emotionally present builds trust, closeness and connection — the heart of a strong parent-child relationship. What Co-Regulation Looks Like In Everyday Life Co-regulation doesn’t need to be perfect or polished. It doesn’t mean you never get overwhelmed yourself. It simply means you are building an awareness of your own nervous system and using that awareness to support your child’s. Here are a few ways co-regulation might show up in daily life: When your toddler is having a meltdown: You kneel down, speak slowly and say, “I’m right here. I see you’re really upset. Let’s breathe together.” When your baby is crying and you feel yourself tensing up: You check in with your body. You soften your jaw. You take a few deep breaths and hum gently to help settle both of you. When your older child is anxious about school: You sit beside them, hold their hand, and say, “It makes sense that you feel this way. I’m here and we’ll figure it out together.” When you are both overwhelmed: You go for a walk, lie down together, or listen to calming music. You don’t try to fix everything. You just focus on being present. Simple Co-Regulation Tools To Try With Your Child Here are some practical tools that can support co-regulation at any age: 1. Breathwork Slow, gentle breathing is one of the quickest ways to calm the nervous system. Try breathing in for a count of four and out for six, and invite your child to follow your rhythm. 2. Physical connection A hand on the back, a cuddle, or holding hands can help your child feel safe. Physical touch sends signals of safety to the brain and supports emotional regulation. 3. Co-regulating language Instead of saying, “Calm down,” try “Let’s take a deep breath together,” or “I’m with you. We’ll get through this.” 4. Regulate yourself first When you feel yourself becoming dysregulated, pause if you can. Take a breath. Step outside for one minute if needed. Coming back to calm within yourself is the first step in co-regulating with your child. 5. Create calming routines Build small rituals that support connection. A bedtime song, five-minute morning cuddle, or breathing together in the car can become anchors of safety. A Gentle Reminder For Mums You are not expected to be regulated all the time. No one is. What matters is that you are willing to notice, repair, and return to connection. Your child doesn’t need perfection. They need presence. And they need to know that big feelings can be held — by you, and eventually, by themselves. At Carol App, we believe that nervous system support for mums is essential. Because when you feel safe and regulated, your child benefits too. Inside the Calm Mum Formula , you will learn exactly how to regulate your own nervous system, manage daily stress, and support your child with practical tools for co-regulation and emotional wellbeing. It is available now on a Pay-What-Feels-Right-To-You  basis, so no mum is left behind. Download the free Carol App  to access calming tools, support, and guidance — right when you need it most. References Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child . Random House. Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2006). The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog . Basic Books. Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory . W. W. Norton & Company. National Scientific Council on the Developing Child (2014). Serve and Return Interaction Shapes Brain Architecture . Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University. (2023). Toxic Stress and the Developing Brain .

Pregnancy changes your body, yes — but what about your mind, identity, and relationships? For generations, we’ve spoken openly about the physical changes of motherhood, yet the emotional and psychological shifts remain largely unspoken. That’s where the term matrescence  comes in — a word that captures the often messy, beautiful, and disorienting process of becoming a mother. If you’ve ever thought, “Why do I feel like I’ve lost myself?” , or “I’m not who I used to be, and I’m not sure who I am now,”  — you’re not alone. What you’re experiencing isn’t failure, weakness, or something to ‘get over’. It’s matrescence . And understanding it can change everything. What Is Matrescence? Matrescence is the physical, emotional, hormonal, and psychological transition a woman undergoes when she becomes a mother  — whether it’s through pregnancy, birth, adoption, or another route. Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael  in the 1970s (the same woman who popularised the term "doula"), matrescence is to motherhood what adolescence is to adulthood — a fundamental transformation of self. It’s not just the arrival of a baby — it’s the birth of a mother . And yet, while adolescence is widely acknowledged as a turbulent but expected phase of life, matrescence remains largely absent from mainstream conversation, medical models, and even postnatal care. This absence can leave mothers feeling unseen, misunderstood, and isolated during one of the most significant identity shifts they will ever face. How Matrescence Affects the Mind, Body and Identity Matrescence is multi-layered and affects women across every domain of life. It is not a brief moment. It is a process — often extending from pregnancy and early postpartum through the first few years of motherhood and beyond. Emotional & Psychological During matrescence, it’s common to experience: Grief for your former life, identity, and freedom Joy and love alongside rage, confusion or numbness Changes in friendships, romantic relationships, and social needs A sense of disconnection from your pre-motherhood self Heightened anxiety or overthinking, even in moments of happiness Many mothers describe it as a constant push-pull between wanting to be the mother they imagined and the person they used to be. This inner conflict is not a sign something is wrong. It is a natural by-product of transformation. Hormonal & Biological Just like adolescence, matrescence is driven by massive hormonal shifts , which can affect mood, memory, libido, energy levels, and even brain structure. Recent neuroscience has shown that the maternal brain physically changes  — new connections are formed in areas related to empathy, vigilance, and emotional regulation. These changes help a mother bond with her baby, but they can also contribute to overstimulation, sensory overload, and burnout when unsupported. Social & Cultural Modern motherhood often expects women to "bounce back" physically, emotionally, and professionally , without recognising the full depth of their transition. Many mothers feel pressure to: Maintain their pre-baby lifestyle and body Be endlessly grateful, even when struggling Navigate parenting without complaint or community Prioritise everyone else’s needs before their own This disconnect between societal expectations  and matrescent reality  can deepen feelings of shame and inadequacy. Matrescence vs Postnatal Depression: What’s the Difference? One of the reasons matrescence is so important to understand is that it helps distinguish normal psychological adjustment  from clinical conditions like postnatal depression (PND) or anxiety. Matrescence is not a diagnosis . It is a developmental phase , not a mental illness. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, unsettled, or even regretful at times during matrescence — particularly when navigating big emotional shifts. But if you are experiencing: Persistent low mood or numbness Difficulty bonding with your baby Intrusive or distressing thoughts Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy Feelings of hopelessness or panic …then you may be experiencing PND or postpartum anxiety. Both are common and treatable. Reach out to your GP, midwife, or health visitor for support. Understanding matrescence can reduce unnecessary pathologising of this phase — but it also helps highlight when extra support is needed . Why Every Mother Deserves to Know About Matrescence When mothers understand that matrescence is real, valid, and natural, the entire narrative around early motherhood changes. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” , mothers begin to ask: “How can I support myself through this?” “What do I need in this phase of my life?” “Who can I connect with that truly gets this?” This shift empowers mothers to seek self-compassion , community, and support — rather than self-blame or silence. At Carol App, we believe that naming this experience is the first step to healing . How to Support Yourself Through Matrescence Matrescence is not something to “fix” — but it can be supported . Here’s how: 1. Name the experience Just knowing the word matrescence  can be transformative. It gives language to what feels otherwise intangible and validates your internal shifts. 2. Slow down where you can This is not a time to rush. If possible, simplify your to-do list, say no more often, and create space to be with your emotions. 3. Find spaces where you can be honest Motherhood isn’t always joyful. Find people or communities where you can be real, vulnerable, and messy  without judgment. 4. Honour the loss and the becoming You are not who you were — and that’s okay. Honour both the grief and the growth. Write about it. Speak about it. Acknowledge it. 5. Seek professional support when needed You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Whether it’s a therapist, perinatal coach, or support group, professional guidance can provide enormous relief and clarity. Matrescence is a powerful, ongoing evolution. Like any transformation, it is full of contradictions — joy and grief, love and loss, strength and surrender. It’s not linear, and there’s no clear finish line. But here’s what’s true: you are not broken. You are becoming. At Carol App, we’re here to walk beside you through the complex, beautiful mess of motherhood  — with expert guidance, honest community, and tools that help you reconnect with yourself. Download Carol App today  for FREE on IOS and Android to access articles, classes, and conversations that honour the full spectrum of matrescence. References Raphael, D. (1973). The Tender Gift: Breastfeeding.  Columbia University Press. Nelson, E. A. (2020). The Neuroscience of Matrescence.  Yale Infant Neurodevelopment Research Lab. Sharp, H., Hill, J., & Hellier, J. (2021). Understanding the Psychological Transition to Motherhood: Matrescence and Mental Health.  British Journal of Midwifery. NHS. (2024). Your Mental Health After Birth.  Retrieved from nhs.uk

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